My Super Sweet 30th.

Only when you've got cancer and it's your birthday is it acceptable for your friend's husband to buy you knickers. It's a little-known present-giving loophole that Tills' husband Si took advantage of the other night when they gave me my birthday presents. And they're not just any old knickers, oh no. They're the Best Knickers In The World: a white thong with 'Mrs Dave Grohl' on the front. And,

My Super Sweet 30th.

By: Unknown on: 01:53

Papa's got a brand new brag.

Apparently it's worth putting on a bit of slap and a nice top to visit your local mini-mart. Last night, on my way round to the corner shop, I got checked out. And I didn't imagine it either. A bloke I was walking past glanced over at me (less glanced, more looked me up and down) and gave me a smile. (And no, cynics, he wasn't smirking at my wig. I know this because the shopkeeper commented on

Papa's got a brand new brag.

By: Unknown on: 06:01

Much hairdo about nothing.

I've spent years faffing with my hair. I've demanded impossibly high standards from it. (I'd better clarify that I'm talking post-school, by the way – 1990-1995 was a half-decade hair-mare. With that and the braces, it's amazing I ever got snogged.) I've blow-dried, straightened, sprayed, lacquered, highlighted, lowlighted... all in a quest for the perfect 'do. Newsreader hair, if you will. You

Much hairdo about nothing.

By: Unknown on: 08:00

Hi, my name is...

When I first met P, I hated him. I took his initial shyness as arrogance (I told a colleague he was 'practising to be a git') and did all I could to avoid him around the office. But that changed over the course of two nights. The first was a very VERY debauched house party at which I was introduced to absinthe and woke up the following morning draped over a boy on the kitchen floor (thankfully

Hi, my name is...

By: Unknown on: 15:02

Putting it about.

I've still not made my peace with the wig. I've moved it to the bathroom windowsill, given it a headband for company and stood my new wig brush beside it, but me and it are still a long way off being friends. We're sizing each other up. It's a Mexican stand-off every time I walk past the bathroom door.But I'm not wearing it. I've not even put it on once today, instead opting to leave the flat to

Putting it about.

By: Unknown on: 13:22

Does my bum look big in this?

As I type, I'm looking down from my bed at a foreign, furry, blonde rodent. Otherwise known as my new wig. It's balanced carefully on a stand on the floor and, despite the low light in here, it still looks glossy and healthy and wholesome. It's everything I'm not.

I've never felt further from healthy than I did last night. The nausea may have subsided, but the aches haven't. I was – and still am

Does my bum look big in this?

By: Unknown on: 14:24

This is a low (but it won't hurt you).

I once got food poisoning on holiday in South Africa after eating monkfish with olives. After an evening watching my meal reappear down the loo (or 'singing into the big white telephone' as my Dad would put it), I knew I'd never eat olives again. We've all got ruined favourites – foods that you've previously liked but, having had to taste them again in a not-so-favourable pukey fashion, you're

This is a low (but it won't hurt you).

By: Unknown on: 13:22

Back in 'therapy.

By 'eck, this cancer lark's expensive. While waiting for my chemo drugs to be made up earlier today, P & I walked round the corner to Accessorize and begrudgingly exchanged over £100 for a selection of headscarves and headbands that I wouldn't ordinarily look twice at. It was emergency headwear shopping – this morning, another chunk of my barnet ended up down the loo, resulting in a nice, obvious

Back in 'therapy.

By: Unknown on: 10:59

To see you, nice.

I keep forgetting how dangerous this disease is. It's something I've been doing all along, even straight after hearing the words 'I'm afraid it's breast cancer'. My immediate reaction wasn't 'shit, that's life threatening,' but 'oh heck, my hair.' Even in chemo last week, when a number of doctors warned me to keep my arm still for fear of the drugs seeping into my skin and causing massive

To see you, nice.

By: Unknown on: 09:42

Alright Tit: The Movie

Despite yesterday's comment about any poor sod living with cancer being 'bloody unlucky' (and I stand by it – in fact, consider it another mahoosive understatement), I still think of myself as an inherently lucky person. I can remember the first time I considered the fact that I might have been born with the lucky gene. It was back in infant school, when I won a 'name the teddy' competition and

Alright Tit: The Movie

By: Unknown on: 09:52

Sob story.

It's funny what makes you cry. I was inconsolable when Vera died on Coronation Street, but more interested in spilling popcorn than tears while watching Titanic, Braveheart and Watership Down. (But sit me in front of Billy Elliot and you'd better be wearing waterproofs.) When Michael Vaughan retired as England cricket captain, I got as choked as he did while watching his press conference, but no

Sob story.

By: Unknown on: 11:49

A warning.

I've just received a text message from a mate: 'You do realise that, after reading your last post, everyone's now going to buy you Sudocrem for your birthday.'Don't even think about it.

A warning.

By: Unknown on: 03:26

And it burns, burns, burns.

Just when I thought cancer couldn't get any more glamorous, now I've got piles. Look, you've been warned before about this being a warts-and-all account of my experience. Just offering up the fluffy bits would be an unfair representation of The Bullshit, not to mention completely made up (there are, of course, no fluffy bits). And so, if you want the complete picture of what all of this is like

And it burns, burns, burns.

By: Unknown on: 05:02

Careful what you wish for.

Another one of the annoying things about cancer (expect to read that sentence a lot) is how utterly boring it can get. At least my tumour had the good sense to show up in time for Wimbledon, a summer of cricket, the Olympics and the start of football season (come on you Rams!), so I'd have a load of sport to keep me entertained. Yesterday, though, was a typically dull day – so dull, in fact, that

Careful what you wish for.

By: Unknown on: 04:57

Getting wiggy with it.

How did I get through a whole post yesterday without telling you about my wig fitting? That was the one thing I'd specifically planned to write about, but I guess I must've got waylaid by the pubes stuff. Sheesh, they're not wrong about the brain fog, are they? 'You'll probably find that it becomes difficult to concentrate,' warned the Curly Professor's Glamorous Assistant. No shit! Yesterday it

Getting wiggy with it.

By: Unknown on: 06:11

Stories from the bush.

There's something really emancipatory about feeling even slightly better after you've been ill. The day before yesterday, something felt different when I woke up – maybe it was the decent night's sleep, the lack of that usual sickly taste, or the fact that the Amplified Aussie upstairs had kept the volume down for once – either way, for the first time in a wee while, I felt good. (Just to clarify

Stories from the bush.

By: Unknown on: 04:53

Dream a little dream.

Thanks to my constant, energy-drained need for a nap, I've been getting increasingly narked by the potential sleep-preventing sounds around me. The fan in the bedroom that blows the TV wire against the wall every seven seconds. The volume-challenged Aussie upstairs and his continual playing of Hot Fuss (decent album and all, but twice a day?). The thieving pigeons who flap about while nabbing the

Dream a little dream.

By: Unknown on: 10:22

Ugly Betty.

Listen up, medical community. We need to have words. When I signed up for Fun With Chemo, nobody said anything about the acne. Call me obsessive, but I've just reached 19 (that's 19 – count 'em) spots. And that's just on my face and neck. God knows what my arse looks like. They're not your normal spots either. They're the pulsing, painful, Belisha-beacon kind. There are satellites in space

Ugly Betty.

By: Unknown on: 05:09