I shit you not.

I'm told that when people start to show an interest in your blog, that's when you're supposed to step it up. So excuse me, then, for feeling the need to post about my bowel movements.I mean sheesh! I'd just about reasoned with the cancer, but the constipation? Those leaflets they hand over on diagnosis should read, 'Welcome to breast cancer. Leave your vanity at the door and let's crack on, shall

I shit you not.

By: Unknown on: 14:59

Love is...

...finding the following sent text on your husband's phone: 'I know this is a strange message to send to my mother-in-law, but I've just seen your daughter's left breast and it looks amazing.'And I thought the morphine was good. I might have an odd-looking, wonky mound of flesh for a left tit, a strapless-top-restricting scar on my back and a catheter full of green wee (it's the dye, not the

Love is...

By: Unknown on: 14:15

Ah, morphine.

I'm whizzed off my tits.I mean tit.

Ah, morphine.

By: Unknown on: 23:40

New balls, please.

I've spent much of today staring at Rafael Nadal's bum from the front row of number 1 court. And what a view. Round, honed, perfectly peachy. You could sink your teeth into it. If you spotted me on the telly, you'd have noticed that mine was the only transfixed head not following the ball from one side of court to the other. I became almost as obsessed with Rafa's arse as I have recently with

New balls, please.

By: Unknown on: 12:16

Reasons to be cheerful, part one.

I've got to tell you, yesterday was a good day. Even by Ice Cube's standards. (I didn't even have to use my AK!)Thanks to yesterday, I've been finding silver linings in the strangest things. (That said, I did just use the term 'silver linings' so it can't all be good. Apologies – at the end of the day, the bottom line is that it's difficult to write about cancer and not jump feet-first into

Reasons to be cheerful, part one.

By: Unknown on: 04:34

Free Brazilian.

Well I was never the sharpest, but I've only just figured out that it's not just the hair on my head that'll be doing a bunk. Ooer.I spoke to my old boss, Skips, last night and she scared the shit out of me. (I'm glad, mind - I needed that kick up the arse.) She was diagnosed with The Bullshit in 2006 and gave me a no-holds-barred account of what a bitch it's going to be for the next few months.

Free Brazilian.

By: Unknown on: 04:27

The longest day.

Summer solstice, longest day of the year. I've been up for an hour and a half and already I know that this is the bleakest, lowest, blackest, most miserable day of my life. ('Good morning, readers. Today we're coming to you from the depths of hell. Today's 'Alright Tit' is brought to you by the letters B and C and the number 2.')Last night I sent my parents home, thinking that P & I needed time

The longest day.

By: Unknown on: 01:37

Fuck.

Invasive, stage two.Bastard.How did this 'harmless cyst' become such a huge fucking deal? It wasn't supposed to work this way. Even my GP said so. 'Oh, it'll be nothing to worry about. Go and enjoy your holiday and it'll have disappeared by the time you get back.' So I did. And I forgot all about the supposedly-harmless lump, instead concerning myself with the celeb-spotting I could do in LA, and

Fuck.

By: Unknown on: 11:47

The hired help.

I'm answering so many emails and calls and texts that I'm starting to feel like I'm running a fan club. That's not a whinge; it's actually brilliant. Fan Club Manager has always (and by 'always' I mean 'since the Bros days') been pretty high on my Dream Jobs list. The only downsides in this version being that (a) I'm having to talk about cancer a lot and (b) I'm not getting close to Matt Goss/

The hired help.

By: Unknown on: 04:15

An apology.

From a lack of decent conversation and a curious tendency, my first (unsuitable) boyfriend and I fell into a routine of rarely speaking and instead using each other for experimentation. It didn't always feel good and wasn't always done right, but we were 15 and fed up and keen to impress our mates. One over-enthusiastic afternoon in an otherwise empty house, I somehow ended up with a hurt right

An apology.

By: Unknown on: 13:53