April Barnet Bulletin.

I recently watched Sgt Pepper go out into the garden for the first time. Off she skipped, all independent and fearless with her look-at-me-I'm-invincible teenage attichood (I give her three weeks until she's speaking like the local Wandsworf kids, innit dhough) and, I'll admit, I was jealous. Little over a week of her being outside, and she's already got a mate who calls for her at the back door.

April Barnet Bulletin.

By: Unknown on: 04:34

Alright tits.

Before my reconstruction, I took a photo of my Old Tit. And, just now, despite it being covered in dressings, I took one of my New Tit, too. (If anyone steals my iPhone this week they're in for a surprise. I'm also being extra careful when uploading pics to Twitter, in case my thumb slips and the digital world suddenly gets an eyeful of my definitely NSFW bust.) Perhaps unusually, I want to keep

Alright tits.

By: Unknown on: 06:03

Dotting the i.

Is there a Guinness World Record entry for the world's biggest nipple? Because I think I've got it. For verification purposes, I suppose it's strictly a nupple. And since there aren't even half as many nupples in the world as there are nipples, I'm skipping the adjudication and taking the crown. Well done me.

I've only caught a very quick glimpse of it, mid morphine-trip from my hospital bed

Dotting the i.

By: Unknown on: 10:43

Cut some rug.

I've heard of short-man syndrome, but never realised there was such a thing as short-hair syndrome. It's been almost a week since I decided to out myself as a very-short-haired person (so much for my headscarves-until-May plan) and I can't say I very much like the tetchy girl who's revealed herself since the wigs and scarves were relegated to a bottom drawer. The overwhelming consensus, by the

Cut some rug.

By: Unknown on: 11:33

Superstition ain't the way.

I recently walked under a ladder. That's a sentence with the potential to finish off my Mum. I suspect she secretly believes that I got breast cancer because I once put new shoes on a table or broke a mirror or forgot to say 'white rabbits' on the first of the month. Because, of course, these are the kind of things that cause cancer – at least according to the likes of the Daily Mail. Even just

Superstition ain't the way.

By: Unknown on: 07:49

What's my age again?

My Mum's favourite poem is called Warning, by Jenny Joseph. I'm sure you know the one. It begins like this:




When I am an old woman I shall wear purple

With a red hat which doesn't go, and doesn't suit me.

And I shall spend my pension on brandy and summer gloves

And satin sandals, and say we've no money for butter.

I shall sit down on the pavement when I'm tired

And gobble up samples in

What's my age again?

By: Unknown on: 07:17

March Barnet Bulletin.

My kid brother J has muscled in on the Barnet Bulletin by challenging me to a hair race. He's had his shaved to as close to my length as he could get, and we're now racing each other to see who can grow it the quickest. On your marks, get set, go...




Is it weird that I'm a bit jealous of J's sideburns?
Anyway, if, when you look at that photograph, your reaction is to leave a comment saying

March Barnet Bulletin.

By: Unknown on: 07:03